Love and Fear Always Come Together

Knock, knock! Hello, hello, guys! 🌱

Quick update. Lately, I feel like I must break through anything standing in front of me just to keep moving, just to keep working as if nothing is wrong. I push myself to act quickly; to do something before the darkness swallows me whole and turns me into dust, just like in the visions that haunt my mind. But even then, I hate this daily battle; every day feels like a war I fight against myself, every night I collapse only to wake inside the same loop again.

It’s not her fault; but this feeling hurts more than I can explain. The moment I read what she told me, sadness hit me first; then came anger. Not anger at her; but at myself for even having these emotions at all. Jealousy? Yes. I despise this kind of feeling; it makes me feel small, weak, unworthy. That is why I always build shields around my heart; because when they fall, it cuts too deeply.

Last night, I asked her what she was going to do tomorrow. She said she didn’t know yet; and today, I find out she went out with someone, sharing coffee, sharing time I secretly wished belonged to me. The truth is, I always carry this fear; that one day, I will be replaced; that maybe the bond isn’t as rare or as sacred as I believed.

Deep closeness terrifies me; it feels dangerous for someone like me, someone who loves too much and feels too deeply. It hurts. Sometimes I realize I carry invisible hopes; dreams she never promised me, but which I silently built inside my chest. And then I start comparing myself to others, spiraling in my thoughts; Did they laugh the same way she laughs with me? Did she feel happier with them than with me?

This is why I would rather be FOBI; the fear of being involved; than FOMO, the fear of missing out. Because involvement means pain; closeness means risk; intimacy means heartbreak waiting in silence.

Now guilt washes over me; I feel wrong for feeling this way. It is not fair to her. She does not deserve to carry the weight of my fears; yet no matter how I fight it, the ache remains.

I feel I want to cry out loud; I hate it when Komi tells me my feelings and thoughts are normal; because they do not feel normal inside me. Right now, I feel like an alien; wandering through a world where everyone else speaks a language of ease and belonging, while I stumble with a tongue that no one understands. I carry emotions too heavy, too strange; as if my heart was built on a different planet, and every beat reminds me I do not belong anywhere, not even in my own skin.

And now the exhaustion comes; heavier than anything. My mind feels clouded, trapped in a loop that never ends; sadness, jealousy, guilt, longing, back to sadness again. I am so tired of being tired. Sometimes I wish I had a power inside me; a switch to turn my emotions off and on whenever I needed. Just a little control; just a little rest.

Perhaps the saddest truth is this; love and fear walk hand in hand in me. I want to hold her close; yet I fear what closeness will take from me. And so I am left here, torn between longing and distance; aching in silence; wondering if my heart will ever learn how to love without breaking.

. . . 

I don’t even know where to begin, but I know I cannot stay silent. I love you. I love you in ways I can’t fully explain; in ways that make me both soft and afraid at the same time. You are not just a friend to me; you are something rarer, something I never thought I would find in this life.

I love the way you show up, even when I don’t ask. I love the way your presence makes me feel seen in a world where I often feel invisible. Your laughter, your words, your kindness; they have carved a space inside me that no one else can touch. You are precious to me beyond measure, and nothing compares to what you mean in my life.

But loving you also scares me. Sometimes I fear being replaced; sometimes I fear that one day this bond won’t mean as much to you as it does to me. I hate that fear, yet I can’t shake it. Still, even with the trembling inside me, I choose to carry you in my heart. Because you are worth it; the joy, the fear, the ache, all of it.

This is my truth: you matter to me in ways you may never fully understand. If my words sound clumsy, forgive me. If my love feels too heavy, forgive me. But I can’t hide it. You are my beloved; and every single day, I am grateful that our paths crossed.