Trembling

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Saya notis ada beberapa orang yang masuk blog ni selepas saya updated new post... Who’s there? Please be nice, okay? hHahaha... Don't worry. Saya tak tahu pun siapa, saja nak buat korang cuak. Saya cuma tertanya-tanya dua post ni agak menarik perhatian (unique visitor agak tinggi di post ini after saya post);

I Just Felt Like Writing Something Today
Love and Fear Always Come Together

Kalau nak tahu, ada lagu yang saya selalu dengar yang sangat relate dengan post entry "Love and Fear Always Come Together". Judulnya, "Only Love Can Be Hurt Like This" yang dinyanyikan oleh Paloma Faith. Someone shared their opinion about this song lepas saya requested dia play this song in her live streaming... She could not approve this feeling, love tangled with hurt. She said, “If we love God, why do we feel pain?”

I wanted to speak, but my voice was trapped in my throat. Yes, we all love God. Who does not? Even I, whose mind drifts into the darkest corners, cannot escape thoughts of God. Amid the weight of pain, His presence lingers, subtle and unavoidable. I feel the ache of wanting to disappear and the trembling of hope all at once. Even in the heaviest moments, I cannot turn away from what I love. Writing it down is the only way to breathe.

But I am not speaking of God alone. I speak of humans, fragile and aching. Every love, whether for a person or for God, demands sacrifice. And sacrifice always cuts. It rips and bleeds, yet we endure it because we must. Because to love is to surrender, and surrender always leaves wounds.

Only love can be felt this way. If you have never felt the sting of giving yourself to something you treasure, if you have never tasted the ache of losing a piece of your heart for what you hold dear, then, in my eyes, you have never truly loved.

Love is not gentle. Love is a knife that carves, a flame that burns. If it does not hurt, then you are only touching its surface. You have not bled enough. You have not loved enough.

Rasa sakit itu bukan tanda cinta yang salah, malah ia adalah bukti bahawa cinta itu benar dan mendalam. Some people believe that loving God should bring only peace, happiness, and no pain. There is nothing wrong with that belief or perception. But read it again. “Only love can hurt like this.”

This pain is not God’s fault, nor does God inflict it. It is the weight of a human heart, fragile and restless, filled with longing and fear. It is the ache of hope that trembles, the sorrow of loss that lingers in the chest, and the quiet sacrifices we endure when we give ourselves to something or someone we love deeply. It is the trembling of joy entwined with sorrow, the pulse of fear and desire, the rawness of being fully alive in love. Only the human heart can feel this way, and only through such depth do we understand what it truly means to love.

This is the emotion I felt while writing the entry Love and Fear Always Come Together. I am not lying. It hurts, but I will always remain true because I love.

That is what I believe. Perhaps it is raw and uncomfortable, which is why most people are afraid to talk about it. It can feel a little eerie, right? But I also believe that facing these fears, even for a moment, makes us stronger. It lets us love more deeply and live more fully, embracing both the pain and the beauty of being human.

Mesti korang dah mula rasa penulisan saya agak darker kan? Terlalu raw dan berterus terang. Jadi, kita tukar topik, okay. hHahaha! Kembali tentang blog ni;

This blog is old, and the design is quite classic. Honestly, I’m eager to change it, but at the same time, it feels heavy to do so. Omg, 24 hours feel like just 2 or 3 hours. Where does the time go? Why does life always seem to pass so fast? Now I’m 35. I’m not shy about my age, I don’t care what people think. Age is just a number, even though sometimes it hits a little when mentioned. In other aspects of life, honestly, it does matter sometimes. But I still don’t care much.

During live streaming, I often act like I’m 17 or 18 years old. It feels fun when people are curious while I act a bit like a kid sometimes. But deep down, I feel like I just want to be a cocoon (Diinpirasikan oleh Wednesday Addams), never growing (Diinspirasikan oleh Peter Pan dan Neverland). Tapi tu lah... That’s impossible because I’m human. Wait, why am I talking about age all of a sudden? My randomness sometimes can’t be controlled. Maybe it’s because this month is my birth month, so unconsciously I start thinking about age.

Anyway, back to the blog topics. Again. There’s a lot that needs fixing. Emails have piled up since around November 2022. Some asked me to remove articles, some asked about my rate to write articles, some wanted me to feature their writing on the blog, backlinks, and so on. All expired now. I just read through them a few months ago when I was planning to come back to this blog. But maybe it’s fine to leave old articles and outdated posts. I honestly don’t have the energy to fix everything.

What I want to do now is simple. Just write in new labels or categories. THOUGHTS in mixed language, English, Malay, whatever comes out.

When I was writing this entry, I had just gotten home from taking my mom out for a little adventure. There was something swirling in my mind that begged to spill onto this blog, but somehow the story was stubborn and refused to leave my head. Seriously, it’s like my brain decided to hoard it for itself.

hmm...maybe later.